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I ran the “no kissing courtship” theory past a couple of friends over dinner this weekend. It was vigorously denounced.
B added that she knows an older single whose fiancée avoided physical contact during their courtship. This woman found out on her honeymoon that her husband could not perform sexually. He refused to seek help for his impotence. He expected his wife to be satisfied living as his roommate. They divorced months later. She’d waited too long for an annulment.
I had a pretty good day at church a few weeks ago. I finally made it to the 9am service, instead of being late to the 12 noon service. I was lifted by the worship and by the Word.
Outside church as I walked to my car a few blocks away, my friend K (over 35), called out to me. I was singing in my heart, and out loud a little, and glad to see her. I offered her a ride home. She declined because she was on duty with missions stuff. We walked along chatting together for a bit and ran into another friend. I know this other friend, but K knows her well. The other friend had just gotten engaged! We stood on the sidewalk talking and listening to the joyous details. Then, with hugs and kisses all around, off the other friend went.
Some part of me was vaugely disquieted by this encounter. Another engagement that isn’t mine. You understand. But this was only a vague sensation.
K turns to me, then, and says, with such glee and delight in her voice, “I have to tell you about their courtship.”
This makes me happy. I love a love story. Smiling in anticipation I respond, “What?”
“They’ve never kissed!” K gushed.
My smile froze. My anticipation was smothered.
She went on, “It was his idea. He wants to act honorably towards her. They’re going to wait until the wedding for their first kiss.”
Seeing as how I immediately thought, almost as a reflex, “Is she sure this man is not gay?” upon hearing that it was his idea not to kiss the woman he loves for months while dating her and many more months while the wedding is being planned, I was at a loss for words as to what to say to romantic, idealistic, dogmatic, K. I managed to offer a sincere, “Isn’t that sweet,” in response before walking on quickly.
My sense of disquiet was now glaring.
What K told me was not a love story, e.g., boy meets girl, girl resists boy, girl succombs and love prevails. I think K telling me that story was intended as an indictment. “See, maybe you should stop dating and stop kissing, and then you, too, could have this kind of Godly man pursuing you.” She and I have disagreed on this issue more than once.
Sigh.
For me, this is more of the same “preach holiness but don’t mention the Holy Spirit” kind of thing. “Tell women and men who are fortyish or older to be absolutely pure, but don’t tell them what to do about their sex drives.” This doesn’t work.
And “no kissing before marriage” rules seem too extreme for me.
Why cannot those who want to be so abslute, refrain from imposing their rigid standards on the rest of Christendom? Shouldn’t each of us be convinced in our own hearts about what the right thing to do is, and cause no offense to our sisters? Isn’t it the Holy Spirit’s role to lead us and guide us and convict and correct us?
Singles of the church unite already!
Lord, Why Am I Still Single? 