Tag Archives: online dating

Of What Should I Be Afriad?

24 Nov
MultipleChoice single
Image via Wikipedia

It’s been one week and I am progressing through eharmony’s stages of communication with three different men.  Two of these men requested that we skip the preliminary, get-to-know-you stages, and move directly into speaking with each other without the structure of the staged communication.  I declined.  I like the progression of the stages.  You can learn some things by the way a person answers questions, and the kinds of questions that a person asks.

Case in point: Corrado.  Corrado is my favorite match so far.  Not because he’s cute and 6’5” tall, not because he’s fluent in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Hebrew, not because he’s planning to go to med school and is also an artist—Ok, who am I kidding? These things have a lot to do with why he’s my favorite!  In any case, Corrado asked me his set of multiple choice questions and in almost every case my answers were original.  I did not select a, b, c, or d.  I selected “other,” and supplied my own response to the questions.  I noticed this pattern and thought, “Hmmm, what does that say about me?”  Now, Corrado, in replying to my questions, did not choose “other” even once.  He stuck with the multiple choice responses offered.  What does that say about him?  Probably not much, but definitely something.

Now let me tell you what I absolutely love about how this communication with Corrado began. 

I saw his photo and read his profile, and re-read his profile, and was seriously intrigued.  He seemed…just right.  Except that he is 8 years younger than me.  Which seemed too much.  After due consideration of this age gap, I gave his photo one final glance and decided to put him in the neutral pile, which is my pile for profiles that I am neither rejecting nor initiating contact with.  Lo and behold, the following day I received a communication from himself.  At first I was confused by the communication because he did not answer my questions, but supplied his own set of questions for me to answer.  Then I remembered.  Corrado didn’t respond to my questions because I never sent Corrado any questions.  Corrado initiated contact with me on his own.  I could not believe it.  He is the first match of mine where there has been reciprocal liking.

So, 8-year age gap notwithstanding, we are now communicating.  And I am too tickled by the whole thing.

The moral of this story is that last week, when I first began this eharmony journey, I was more afraid than I could put into words of beginning again the boy-meets-girl process.  This week, having begun to actually engage the process, I see that the fear of the thing was 100xs worse than the actual thing itself.  Isn’t that always the way?

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What Did I Learn From Eharmony?

28 Sep
The Summertime Blues
Image by Todd Kennedy via Flickr

My Summer of Socializing was a success, if by success I am measuring fun and purposefulness.  It was full of phone calls, first dates, more dates, excitement, hope and laughter; friends asking, “Now which one is he?”,  fun.  But along with the fun was disappointment and sadness, which ultimately led me to call off the online search for love when summer came to an end.

Having gone through the process of meeting men online, I’ve learned a few things:

  1. It is OK to be just friends.  When I first began my journey, my mind was set on romance or nothing.   This was a bad plan.  I am beginning to see that relationship building without romance is valuable and should not be regarded as a lesser outcome than relationship building with romantic overtones.  Particularly as a Christian woman, my ambition and great need is to encourage and build up others in the body of Christ.  Even, and maybe especially, single men.
  2. The world is small.  My friends and I, three of us, began eharmony around the same time.  On two separate occasions, with two different matches of mine, first one friend and then the other, realized that we had been matched with the same man.  Both times the overlap was revealed incidentally.  Both times the realization was only slightly awkward.  Both times each friend and I yielded to the other as far as the man was concerned–and we only minimally compared notes on the match in question.
  3. Being real is more important than being liked.  After Lake Placid, where I went on a mini-vacation this summer, I realized that it is not enough to be prayerful about eharmony and the matches that I communicate with.  I need to commit to making relationship with the Lord the focal point of what I am looking for in a man.  Though I worried that this might make me appear to be some kind of Jesus-freak and limit men’s interest in me, I concluded that it is more important for me to have a God-focus, and much fewer matches possibly, than to communicate with hordes of matches who do not clearly have Christ at the center of their lives.
  4. The heart is resilient.  My heart was broken (not shattered but definitely broken) this summer.  It took ample amounts of Kleenex for me to actually deal with the truth that I cared so much for one of my matches.  Ultimately this heartbreak, as much as I wished that it were not so, served to teach me the importance of risking my heart.  It served to show me that though the heart is fragile and prone to injury, the heart does heal.  This eharmony heartache that did not kill me, actually made me better able to handle the heartache that came later in the summer when I found out about my ex’s upcoming wedding.   I could manage that heartache because my heart, through the exercise of love this summer, had grown strong.  These days I feel much less afraid of loving the wrong person or of being rejected.  Both have happened and I have lived to tell the tale.
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What are the Men on Eharmony Like?

20 Jul
Image via Bing, from www.marsvenus.com

Image via Bing from http://www.marsvenus.com

Yesterday I mentioned to my prayer partner that my eharmony experience was going well.  My prayer partner, a very serious Christian woman (who, by the way, seems to adhere to a no-dating policy, as I have never known her to have a date), sort of made an audible non-comment that perfectly expressed her low opinion of online dating.  I thought, “Who does she think is online?  Cretans, infidels, and whoremongers?”

 

 If these types are there, they certainly have not been matched with me.  So far I have been matched with an investment banker, college professor, UPS driver,  a teacher, musician (percussionist), and various and sundry corporate types (IT, management, sales, etc.).  None of them is under 40, and none of them has ever been married (more later on this astonishing trend!).  None of them has been rude, obnoxious, strange, or otherwise unacceptably impaired.

Some highlights of my exchanges thus far:

 

Super Sweet

 

After we’d had an intense conversation about why I was single, and why he was single, I didn’t hear from guy #1 for over a week.  That’s long in dating-time.  When he did call me he said:

“I find a woman who loves the Lord extremely attractive, then added to that you are intelligent, which I love in a woman, but also, you’re so real…I just can’t get you off my mind.”

I was giddy for at least  a full day.

 

Super Spiritual

 

After we’d talked about guy #2 being a non-church-going individual, he explained to me that he was on the cusp of resolving the church issue.  But, for him, the main thing was that he prayed, and that God helped him with issues that he prayed about.  He said:

 

“That’s why I don’t believe in therapy.  People who go to therapy obviously don’t know how to pray.”

 

His words gave me pause.  I had one of those moments that I sometimes have when I’m facilitating my small group at church and a participant offers an opinion that is clear error (e.g., Jesus was simply a man and a prophet), and I have to tell her flat out that she is mistaken/not clear/misinformed/wrong.  Talking to guy #2, I was compelled to step out of my role of pleasant dining companion, and counter his perception with my own.  There are many, many people who can and do benefit from, not only prayer, but all kinds of professional help, including therapy, in dealing with their issues.

 

But I digress…

 

Super Funny

 

After we’d talked about movies that we thought were really funny (he named 3, I could only come up with 1), I asked guy #3 a question that, to me, was key in weighing his humoristic sensibilities.  I said:

 

“Let me ask you a question.”

“OK,”  he replied.

“Tyler…Perry…”

“Uhh, no.  I’m going have to go with No, Alex.  Actually, let me state it in the form of a question, ‘What is NO, Alex?’”

 

This still makes me laugh.  Not to mention that we were in absolute sync re:the talented Mr. Perry.

 

I am enjoying very much these third-party-orchestrated getting to know-you’s.  Especially when, as has happened only once so far, there’s potential energy.  You know, physics–stored energy of position.  Like when the bow string of a bow and arrow is stretched back all the way but not released.  That’s potential energy.  The conversation between my match and me drawing us towards each other and forward; that’s also potential energy.  And it’s good.

Is it Harder for Successful Women to Date?

28 May
Dry earth in the Sonora desert, Mexico.
Image via Wikipedia

Is it harder for successful women to date? The article,  Dating Woes of Successful Women , says: probably.

I realized recently that I have not been on a date in months–all year in fact.  (Gasp).  Seeing as how it’s practically June, I concluded that it was high time I did something about this sad state of affairs.  Thus, over Memorial Day weekend, when a free trial was available, I joined eharmony.   I’ll let you know if this foray into cyberspace results in any actual dates…

In any case, I’m raising my antennea and making myself receptive to any signals that are sent my way from eligible bachelors.   Would love to know if others are in a dating drought (like me) or in a rainstorm of socialbility or somewhere in between.  Something tells me that I’m not alone and that drought has swept over the land.

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