Why Buy The Cow…?

30 Jul
Bachelors Walk

"Bachelor's Walk" Image by Antonio Rull via Flickr. Creative Commons License.

I’ve noted that a number of the men that I have met on eharmony are in their forties and single, never having married. These men, and others like them, have thoughtfully and deliberately chosen to remain single for a much longer period of time than is typical. Single, female, aged 35+ enquiring minds want to know why. Here are reasons that I’ve heard and observed:

Why Buy The Cow When The Cow Is Likely To Run Off To A Different Pasture Leaving You With No Milk, No Steak, And No Money Because You Now Have To Pay For The Estranged Cow’s Upkeep and Grazing Fees In The New Pasture?

If you’ve never heard of Marriage 2.0 perusal of an article or two on the subject would be worth the read. Men, apparently, are very, very worried about financial ruin in the form of lump sum settlements amounting to almost everything they have, and/or alimony payments that stretch into perpetuity. Why would any sane and reasonable man risk such a dire financial fate? The more a man earns and acquires as he advances professionally, and in age, the more he has to risk if he marries, and the more reluctant he is to do so. Thus, we have men who are single into their forties.

Why Buy the Cow When the Cow Milks Itself Without Any Help From You and Then Serves You the Milk?

When a woman will support herself, maintain the home (or agree to a man having the freedom of his own living space), share her body, and ensure that pregnancy and children do not become issues, what need is there of a marriage? Indeed, for many men who enjoy such full-service relationships, marriage will only result if and when the self-sustaining woman involved forces the issue on threat of leaving.  Sometimes the man will marry the woman because he values what she adds to his life. Other times, the man will balk at the woman’s ultimatum, the woman will then leave, and the next self-sustaining woman will be found to take her place. Thus, we have men who are single into their forties.

Why Buy the Cow When a Different, Better Cow Might Come to Market in the Coming Weeks or Months or Years?

The root of the root is that many men, most men even, want to be married.  Those who are not married in mid-life will tell you that they simply have not yet met the right woman.  They looked and did not find her in their twenties.  They looked and did not find her in their thirties.  They are looking and have not found her (yet) in their forties.  Thus, here they are, still single.

If you ask me, all of above reasons for why a man in his forties is not married are bogus.  The main issue is one of fear.  And the fear of losing money, or of losing freedom, or of making a mistake, are all clever covers for an underlying fear of making a commitment.   It’s been said that women fall in love and then decide to get married, while men decide to get married and then fall in love.  This sounds about right.  Where is the man who is ready to commit to marriage (which is different from simply wanting to be in a relationship), yet who is unable to locate a woman who would make a suitable wife?  I doubt such a man is out there.  Men who decide to marry, marry.

Men in their forties who have never been married probably will not be getting married, sadly.

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18 Responses to “Why Buy The Cow…?”

  1. Fanning July 31, 2009 at 9:36 am #

    Ultimately, the problem is Cultural Marxism of which Feminism is a part of. If what I said makes little sense, then you have to read, read, read to put it all together. They don’t want us breeding and the best way to do that is to do exactly what they’re doing. Make everything in society favor women and disadvantageous towards men. Create a war between the sexes. Read up on Critical Theory, The Frankfurt School, etc, and how it can be used to destroy a country. This is how you destroy the successful traditional “patriarchal” society which existed up until the 1950s … which was actually quite favorable towards women.

    Feminism has now freed men and enslaved women, go figure. This translates into a lot of unhappy women as recent studies indicate and the trend is increasing. Men, on the other hand, are experiencing an increase in happiness because they’ve been freed from their slavery. Without a total collapse of society, unfortunately, we won’t be going back to that successful, traditional patriarchal system that resulted in a sane, productive, healthy society for marriage and families.

    Honestly, what’s being done to Men/Fathers in family court is insane (read Taken into Custody by Baskerville). No man in his right mind would sign up for marriage today. You’re correct that fear is the problem. Increasingly, it’s not only fear of marriage, but also fear of cohabitation because soon family court laws will simply apply to all couples, married or not, living together or not. Yikes! Relationships between the sexes will get much worse at that point. It’s hard to imagine things actually getting worse at this point.

    Are you afraid of playing Russian Roulette? Well, marriage for men today is like playing Russian Roulette, not with one chamber loaded, but with five out of six chambers loaded. Would you be afraid of “committing” to the game?

    You ladies have to change the family court system and remove the anti-male/father laws before we’ll even consider marriage. Good luck against the Feminists, you’ll need it.

    Like I said, there’s a much deeper problem here, and it’s Cultural Marxism. It’s taken the “long march” through society and destroyed it. Most people are totally unaware of it and what’s going on. Society just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and people think it’s normal. Watch how the sexes interact with each other in older movies and then compare with what’s going on today.

    BTW, I’m a 35yr old man, never married and my last three girlfriends have proposed to me. The only reason I said no is because of how anti-male/father the current system is. The system is the problem and it must either be changed or destroyed before I’ll get married. Until then, I’ll be an Eternal Bachelor. Yes, I’d like to be married and raising children in a sane, healthy society. But there’s no way I’ll participate in this system.

    I love women, but this system has to go …

    • stillsingle August 1, 2009 at 8:03 pm #

      Thanks for the comment Fanning. Especially because you make my point about Marriage 2.0 come alive. I don’t think most women out there, especially those that might read my blog, know how big a deal this is for men these days.

      I stand by my premise that the kinds of concerns that you express are not the root issue. I do not disagree that marriage and culture are being assaulted. I might even agree that the means that are being used to wage the assault involve Cultural Marxism. But I adamantly disagree that the solution is to yield to fear and not marry. If the point of the assault is to destroy marriage, then men not marrying accomplishes this objective. I think that if a man truly wants to be married, yet at the same time is truly concerned about the financial risks involved, then there are women of every stripe and ilk who would be willing to work with him and who would agree to a pre-nup. Problem solved. In fact, “pre-nup” is a probably a household term today because these agreements increased in usage in tandem with the changes in the marriage laws. Ultimately, I don’t think that a pre-nup would solve the problem for those men who raise the issues you’ve raised, though. Because the real issue is that these men are afraid of the very thing that they say that they desire. They are conflicted about committing to a woman, bottom line. They will remain single. Unless they decide that they want to resolve their inner conflictedness.

      • CC December 13, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

        >But I adamantly disagree that the solution is to yield to fear and not marry. If the point of the assault is to destroy marriage, then men not marrying accomplishes this objective.

        Ah, yes. Grow a pair; yield not to fear: the mocking taunt that women use to goad men into playing women’s sick games. Friends, Romans, Countrymen: lend me your ears. We come not to bury marriage, but to praise it. Men, ignore your financial interests; men, forget the devastating emotional trauma of the divorce that your wife will initiate not because you’ve cheated or beaten her but because she’s bored with you; men, ignore the risk of separation from your own children when milady becomes vindictive; lo, men, throw yourselves on the sure-burning pyre in the name of marriage!

        Forgive the hyperbole, but I can’t take marriage seriously any more. Women file for about 75% of all American divorces, and according to Michelle Langley’s book “Women’s Infidelity” (2005) about half of the time when a man files for divorce it’s because his wife has provoked him into it with abuse or cheating. Women have killed marriage. Women speared the sacred heart of marriage and raised its severed head on their battle-spears in the name of liberation and empowerment. Women shatter families by the millions, psychologically damaged their own children for decades to come, and then have the temerity to claim that men are afraid of commitment.

        People — mostly women — routinely ask me when I’m going to get married. They tell me what a good prospect I am: 35, smart, tall, better-than-average-looking, and I have a good job. But marriage? I can’t even date any more. Women want a gorgeous and wealthy-sensitive-lawyer-comedian-movie-star. A regular guy with a regular job doesn’t satisfy modern American women. Read Lori Gottleib’s book “Marry Him” for all the gory details: she quotes psychologist Michael Broder who explains that American women are pathologically self-absorbed, with a relentless “me-me-me thing […] You end up with the type of woman today who thinks of herself as too good for an ordinary relationship.” Gottleib quotes a dating coach who said that men give *three* reasons for not wanting a second date with someone, but women give over three-hundred reasons. A man will, as a general rule, give most women a chance, provided she’s reasonably normal and not obese. A woman won’t give another chance to a guy if she dislikes his shoes or his taste in movies.

        Women don’t even seem to like men most of the time. They treat men like garbage, insulting and emotionally abusing us far more than vice-versa (see “Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students” by Munoz-Rivas et al, which replicates in Spain an earlier American study and finds that emotional abuse is so common in dating that it can be regarded as a normal part of the process, and that women are “substantially” more abusive than men).

        In 20 years of dating I have met exactly TWO women who were capable of simply being nice to me on a regular basis, and not using their period as an excuse to dump on me. (She kept her cool with her boss, coworkers, customers, friends, and family … but expects me to believe she suddenly and inexplicably “lost control” with me? Rubbish.) That’s two out of well over 100 women I’ve dated, or tried to date, or hit on, or asked out after *they flirted with me* only to act disgusted with me for daring to ask her out. If I got a 2% return on any investment in my 401(k), I’d give up on it after a year or two. (That’s another thing: women don’t save for retirement; they spend 30% of their take home pay on clothing, 30% on car payment and student loans, 30% on Starbucks and eating out five nights a week, and have the nerve to call me a cheapskate when I don’t want to take them to the most expensive clubs or cafes in town.)

        >Because the real issue is that these men are afraid of the very thing that they say that they desire. They are conflicted about committing to a woman, bottom line. They will remain single. Unless they decide that they want to resolve their inner conflictedness.

        Goddamned right we’re afraid; if you get bitten by the same beast again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and the poison seeps into your bloodstream with each bite it’s only natural to be afraid. Your flaw is to say that men need to grow up, to get in touch with their feelings. To that I say: get real. Stop hiding behind verbiage. Stop using Shaming Tactics against men. Men will feel less conflicted about women when women stop filing for 75% of all divorces while simultaneously having the temerity to claim that *men* are afraid of commitment. Men will feel less conflicted when women stop being emotionally abusive as a matter of routine. Men will stop avoiding marriage when 40% of divorced wives stop interfering with ex-husbands’s visitation rights. (see Glenn Sacks’s “American Fathers Get A Bad Rap”).

        In short, the blame for the decline of marriage can be placed largely on women. And until women admit to it and own up to the damage they’ve caused, nothing will change.

      • CC December 13, 2010 at 10:15 pm #

        >But I adamantly disagree that the solution is to yield to fear and not marry. If the point of the assault is to destroy marriage, then men not marrying accomplishes this objective.

        Ah, yes, the Anti-Male Shaming Tactics read their ugly hydra-heads. Grow a pair; yield not to fear: the mocking taunt that women use to goad men into playing women’s sick games. Friends, Romans, Countrymen: lend me your ears. We come not to bury marriage, but to praise it. Men, ignore the potential ruin of your financial interests and career; men, forget the devastating emotional trauma of the divorce that your wife will initiate not because you’ve cheated or beaten her but because she’s bored with you; men, ignore the risk of separation from your own children when milady becomes vindictive; lo, men, throw yourselves on the sure-burning pyre in the name of marriage!

        Forgive the hyperbole, but I can’t take marriage seriously any more. Women file for about 75% of all American divorces, and, according to Michelle Langley’s book “Women’s Infidelity” (2005), about half of the time when a man files for divorce it’s because his wife has provoked him into it with abuse or cheating. Women have killed marriage. Women speared the sacred heart of marriage and raised its severed head on their battle-spears in the name of liberation and empowerment. Women shatter families by the millions, psychologically damage their own children for decades to come, and then have the temerity to claim that men are afraid of commitment.

        People — mostly women — routinely ask me when I’m going to get married, and attempt to set me up with their friends or relatives. They tell me what a good prospect I am: 35, smart, tall, better-than-average-looking, and I have a good job. But marriage? I can’t even date any more. I’m tired of women who treat me like crap. I’m tired of Rules Girls who are difficult to be with and are deliberately distant when we’re together. I’m tired of ‘single’ women who are in regular contact with half their exes. I’m tired of single moms who don’t mention that they’re single moms until I’ve had a few dates with them. I’m tired of women who behave flirty on dates, touching me and rubbing up against me and whispering in my ear, but who won’t even kiss me good night (let alone invite me into her bedroom). I’m tired of gold diggers. As English journalist Toby Young wrote, “American women tend to judge potential partners according to how many desirable attributes they possess rather than what they’re like as people. These are, in descending order of importance: social status, net worth, physical appearance, apartment, summer house and, a long way down the list, personality. No man is held to possess any intrinsic value–we’re all just the sum of our assets.”

        A regular guy with a regular job doesn’t satisfy modern American women. She’s always looking to trade up to a man who matches the fantasy in her mind. Read Lori Gottleib’s book “Marry Him” for all the gory details of how women are “inordinately picky” about who they date and marry. She quotes psychologist Michael Broder who explains that American women are pathologically self-absorbed, with a relentless “me-me-me thing […] You end up with the type of woman today who thinks of herself as too good for an ordinary relationship.” Gottleib quotes a dating coach who said that men give *three* reasons for not wanting a second date with someone, but women give over three-hundred reasons. As a general rule, men will give most women a chance, provided she’s reasonably normal and not obese. A woman won’t give another chance to a guy if she dislikes his shoes or his taste in movies or if he graduated from a lowly state college.

        Women don’t even seem to like men much of the time. They treat men like garbage, insulting and emotionally abusing and bad-mouthing us to friends far more than vice-versa (see “Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students” by Munoz-Rivas et al, which replicates in Spain an earlier American study and finds that emotional abuse is so common in dating that it can be regarded as a normal part of the process, and that women are “substantially” more abusive than men).

        In 20 years of dating I have met exactly TWO women who were capable of simply being nice to me on a regular basis, and not using their period as an excuse to dump on me. I don’t get a pass to treat people like crap once a month no matter what the medical diagnosis. (She kept her cool with her boss, coworkers, customers, friends, and family … but expects me to believe she suddenly and inexplicably “lost control” with me? Rubbish: she’s being abusive. ) That’s two out of well over 100 women I’ve dated, or tried to date, or hit on, or asked out after *they flirted with me* only to act disgusted with me for daring to ask her out. It is statistically improbable that I have simply been mismatched well over 100 times; it’s far more likely that most women are simply difficult, entitled hags. If I got a 2% return on any investment in my 401(k), I’d give up on it after a year or two. (That’s another thing: most women don’t save for retirement. They seem to spend 30% of their take home pay on clothing, 30% on car payment and student loans, 30% on Starbucks and eating out five nights a week, and have the nerve to call me a cheapskate when I don’t want to take them to the most expensive clubs or cafes in town because I use a budget.)

        > The main issue is one of fear.  And the fear of losing money, or of losing freedom, or of making a mistake, are all clever covers for an underlying fear of making a commitment. Because the real issue is that these men are afraid of the very thing that they say that they desire. They are conflicted about committing to a woman, bottom line. They will remain single. Unless they decide that they want to resolve their inner conflictedness.

        Goddamned right we’re afraid; get bitten by a creature 98 times out of a hundred (or more) and fear is a rational response to that creature’s presence. (*Stop using Shaming Tactics against men!*) If men are afraid of commitment it’s because we know how little commitment means to modern American women. Men will feel less conflicted about women when women stop filing for 75% of all divorces while simultaneously having the temerity to claim that *men* are afraid of commitment. Men will feel less conflicted when women stop being emotionally abusive as a matter of routine. Men will stop being conflicted about women when women stop cackling to their friends about our every fault and foible. Men will stop avoiding marriage when 40% of divorced wives stop interfering with ex-husbands’s visitation rights. (see Glenn Sacks’s “American Fathers Get A Bad Rap”).

        In short, the blame for the decline of marriage can be placed largely on women. Women changed the rules, not men. And until women admit to it and own up to the damage they’ve caused, nothing will change.

  2. Tom August 3, 2009 at 12:32 pm #

    Nice article. To your #1st point here is some empirical evidence from Massachusetts via a Boston Magazine expose:

    http://www.bostonmagazine.com/articles/till_death_do_us_pay

    Read the stories of the men covered in the article and also in the comments. No wonder guys are avoiding marriage like the 15th century bubonic plague.

  3. Tom August 3, 2009 at 2:45 pm #

    One more addition. Why buy they cow, when it is the cow that is likely to walk 66-75% of the time?:

    http://aler.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/2/1/126

    American Law and Economics Review V2 N1 2000 (126-169)
    © 2000 American Law and Economics Association

    ‘These boots are made for walking’: why most divorce filers are women
    MF Brinig1,z and DW Allen2
    1 College of Law, University of Iowa, Boyd Law Building, Iowa City, IA 52242, USA
    2 Department of Economics, Simon Fraser University

    Abstract

    Because of the financial and social hardship faced after divorce, most people assume that generally husbands have instigated divorce since the introduction of no-fault divorce. Yet women file for divorce and are often the instigators of separation, despite a deep attachment to their children and the evidence that many divorces harm children. Furthermore, divorced women in large numbers reveal that they are happier than they were while married. They report relief and certainty that they were right in leaving their marriages. This fundamental puzzle suggests that the incentives to divorce require a reexamination, and that the forces affecting the net benefits from marriage may be quite complicated, and perhaps asymmetric between men and women. This paper considers women’s filing as rational behavior, based on spouses’ relative power in the marriage, their opportunities following divorce, and their anticipation of custody.

  4. oxydizer February 12, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

    Or why buy a cow when you can get milk in the market?

    Men not marrying is usually a result of some fear or a bad experience that caused the fear. Guys got to identify the fear and get over it or else buy milk in the market with unhygienic risks. What other choice is there?

    • Haakon Ragnskjold September 7, 2014 at 2:08 am #

      Well, what other choice is there? I’ve never gotten over my fear of Black Widow Spider bites, and I see no real reason to. And buying milk in the market? That’s just trading Black Widow Spiders for Tarantulas. Whatever price the milk, it’s more than i wish to pay. What other choice is there? Become lactose intolerant and swear off milk entirely!

  5. 3margaritas4me@gmail.com October 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    sorry this post is so old, but I was internet searching on the subject of waiting on God for things…
    Then men who posted above? Are most likely PickUp Artists (PUAs). They have an entire religion of fear and hatred of women, and plenty of blogs to go with it.

    I’m a divorced woman (and yes, I filed.) Because he abandoned me. These statistics about women filing for divorce most of the time don’t really tell you anything. I don’t actually know any woman who has willingly destroyed her family in divorce court just because she got bored. (Although I know they exist — just certainly doesn’t describe me or a few of my divorced friends.)

    anyway. Men who are single well into their 40’s are just terrified, and that’s fine. You don’t want a man who is afraid – you want one who trusts in God.

    • Weipuimin@bugmenot.com October 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

      I’m an atheist, but I had to laugh at the tactic the divorcee, 3margaritas4me, is using. She epitomizes the anti-male feminist the posters above were complaining about.

      According to this three cocktail divorcee, if you are male, single and over 40, you are not only “terrified,” you are now not even a good Christian (you don’t trust in God!) Now in addition to shaming, we get hell now too. LOL

  6. June July 4, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

    I am a female…divorced twice. My first husband wanted a wife but he also wanted to have girlfriends too. I left him in the middle of the night…and I did not take even so much as a pencil that belonged to him. Only what I’d paid for myself. The divorce itself did not cost him a dime. I was TERRIFIED to remarry and I didn’t for 21 YEARS. My second husband wanted a woman who looked like me but he didn’t want a woman who did the things I did. He was critical of every single thing I did. The way I dressed, the way I talked, even the way I sat on the sofa. I realized that he was never going to be happy and thus we would both be miserable if we stayed together and I left. I left him while he was at work…and I did not take even so much as a pencil that belonged to him. Only what I paid for myself. The divorced itself did not cost him a dime either. I was MORE TERRIFIED to remarry and as of today’s date I have not. Would I? Absolutely! Why? Because I realize…finally…that I must not give my heart to someone until I know that person is worthy of having it. I am too old now to concern myself with the things that matter to a younger woman. Looks fade, a man “with money” could actually be $1.00 away from bankruptcy, a man who lives alone could end up with 3 children overnight should his ex decide she wants to be single and carefree again. I want a man who is nice, not just to me, nice period. I want a man who is responsible, if he can’t afford something it stays at the store. The things that really matter in life are the things that are not in the forefront of a person’s mind when they are “in love”. I believe that people need to get to know each other…and that takes time. But…what’s the rush? This is just my 2 cents on this topic.

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  10. chris January 7, 2014 at 4:16 am #

    i’m a 45 year old single man. i would like to get married. i’m intelligent, own my own home, in great shape (just ran 18 miles today), i’m handsome & very kind, warm, affectionate & generous. here is why i’m single, if anyone cares …. i have met two women in my life (one when i was around 29, one when i was 43) that i felt that magical feeling for. i don’t know how to define it but you know what i’m talking about. i would have married either of them after just a few weeks. neither one was perfect, far from it in fact but i could not deny whatever it was that i felt. hell, i would marry either of them tomorrow if they were interested. neither one is interested. yes, they know how i feel about them. when i was 36 i decided i should try and make it work with a very nice woman that i met even though i did not have that magical feeling for them. it lasted 5 or 6 years but it didn’t work out though we are great friends today (so really it did work out). no we never got married. somehow it seems pretty simple. no metaphors about cows needed.

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  12. Haakon Ragnskjold June 7, 2014 at 11:11 pm #

    I’ve got to really take issue with several of the following statements:
    “It’s been said that women fall in love and then decide to get married, while men decide to get married and then fall in love. This sounds about right.”
    I’ve never heard of anything like that, myself. Why in the world would I [or anybody, for that matter] want to get married if I wasn’t in love first?
    And being in love, that would be reason enough for me to want to marry the woman, to do her honor, to be able to introduce her everywhere, as my wife.
    “Where is the man who is ready to commit to marriage (which is different from simply wanting to be in a relationship), yet who is unable to locate a woman who would make a suitable wife? I doubt such a man is out there. Men who decide to marry, marry.”
    You doubt that such a man is out there. And yet—here I am. It’s one thing for me to be ready to commit to a marriage—it’s quite another when the object of my affections does not love me as I love her.
    Even when I have looked elsewhere, in every single case, the doors have been closed and I’ve been blocked. No passage was possible. Men who decide to marry, may marry—but not when God has other plans and closes the doors.

    I

  13. Biblical Wisdom September 3, 2014 at 9:56 am #

    Why aren’t men marrying? Maybe they’re realising that the Apostle Paul was right when he said, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman”.

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