Tag Archives: fear of commitment

To Be Or Not To Be A Liar?

27 Dec
Still-Life with a Skull, vanitas painting.
Image via Wikipedia

At the beginning of the year I stopped writing for many days.  Aiming for kind understanding, and supportive consideration of my friends’ feelings, I was not able to speak honestly with them about matters of their hearts.  I said nice things instead of true things.  And I felt silenced.  My inability to speak honestly to my friends had the added effect of rendering me unable to speak (on the page), period. 

How ironic that as the year began, so it ends.  I have not been able to speak to the one whom my heart adores and tell him how I feel.  Which has led to my inability, these past many days, to speak (on the page), period.

From the time that I heard he was engaged up to this present moment, I have lied to him.  I pretended that I was indifferent, then that I shared his joy, that I prayed for the bliss of him and his bride.  I told him how wonderful Chris was.  I responded to his most recent post-wedding text, and gushed that his wedding gift was Chris’ idea-that we (Chris and I) had shopped for it together.

I lied not in the words that I said, but in the words that I did not say.  I lied because I am afraid. And as this year closes out I realize that this fear is killing me silently, moment by moment. Like cancer.

Fear that if I love him, I will miss a better choice.  But I do love him.  So what other choice would I make?

Fear that if I tell him, I will surely lose him.  But he was engaged, and is now married, and lost to me, for all intents and purposes, already.

Worst fear of all:  If I tell him that I love him, emboldened by my boldness, he up-ends his ramshackle apple cart (and it is ramshackle) and loves me back.  I would then have to, finally, commit to this love that I feel, wouldn’t I?

It seems the things, including love, that I want the most, are the same things that I fear the most.  And that the fear overpowers the desire in every case.  Or has.  But I have reached the point—petrified of having the love I want and at the same time distraught by the loss of this same love—of change or die a paralyzed, distressing, silent, and slow death.

I want to live and to love.  So help me God.  To change.

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When the Student is Ready, The Teacher Appears, No?

2 Jun

Every so often I read a book that impacts me viscerally.  When I read such a book back in 2005, Henry Cloud’s “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” I bought all the books in the bookstore and handed them out to friends.  The message of the book was vital and had to get out, it seemed to me.

Today I received in the mail another such book.  “He’s Scared, She’s Scared:  Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships,” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, is earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting, urgently needed truth.

I do not think that it is a coincidence that this book has arrived in the wake of me beginning to pray for and about my husband (It had been in my “cart” on Amazon for years, and not ordered until a couple of weeks before the Lord issued me the Prayer Challenge).  I do not think that it is a coincidence that I am reading the truths contained in this book mere days after verbalizing to my friends my theory that the main obstacle to many of us mid-life women getting married is we ourselves.  It is not coincidence that I received this book, not before I joined eharmony, but after I joined, after I communicated with a couple of seeming ‘real potentials’, and after this communication resulted in my having a week full of anxious thoughts and gaining about a pound a day; i.e., after starting on the road to a permanent relationship pushed me into a place of emotional fright, which, at a pound a day, could not be ignored.

I am ready as never before to face my fears–intellectually ready, emotionally ready, spiritually ready.  And into my hands, today, serendipitously, falls this book.

Please, please, please if you are over 35, single, and deeply desire to be married, READ THIS BOOK.