Tag Archives: miscommunication

A New Year Footnote

11 Jan

StillSingle still thinks that the travails of singleness are worthy of report. To that end, I need to say a little more about Bronxman–if only to spare you the tumultuousness that I have endured…

The whole thing started with him being uncharacteristically open about how he liked me and thought we could have the love of a lifetime.

After our multi-hour conversation, I pondered. “Who is this open and honest person and what has he done with Bronxman?” “How can I seriously consider a man who I am not able to really talk to?” “Is he changing, and if so, I like the new him so why not give him a chance?” “What about the issues I’ve run into with him??” He texted me twice during this stage, “I’m thinking of you and miss you,” and like that. I felt uncomfortable. It was too much.  We weren’t at that place. I didn’t respond. He called and my end of the conversation was stilted.

While pondering I also consulted my people. R said, “He sounds too old.” K said, “StillSingle you have issues too you know. Give him a chance!” P said, “Maybe this is a chance for you to help him grow and vice versa. Go out. Get to know him better. That’s all there is to do at this point.” P’s advice was just right. I thought to myself, I will take measured steps towards and be open to loving this man…

Having decided, I called him, saying (after the pleasantries), “I’ve been feeling all this angst and weirdness about you–which is totally unwarranted. I’m sorry if I’ve been acting strange. I think it would help me if we talked about our expectations at this point.” Or something like that.

He says–I have no expectations. I’ve always been a man who set my sights low and then maybe gets pleasantly surprised.

I say–I’m not like that. I typically shoot for the moon.

He says–You must spend a lot of time being disappointed.

I say–Yes, there’s a lot of disappointment. But sometimes I actually reach the moon and that feeling makes it worth it to keep aiming high.

He says (in a rather abrupt and energized shift)—

I am withdrawing my interest in you.

You are not ready for a relationship. I refuse to have my self-esteem damaged.

You are a game player. (Me, gently–for example?) I can’t think of any examples right now.

You distrust me.

You may have trust issues with all men, I don’t know because

You are secretive, you keep your past a secret from me.

You are punishing me for things others did to you. (Me, gently–for example?) I can’t tell you an example off the top of my head. 

You need to consider your ways, etc., etc., etc.

He continued–But don’t take all this to mean that I don’t like you because I really, really do.

It was bizarre. My family had come around so I told him we would talk this through later.

I felt misunderstood and maligned. I felt battered by his words, and wondered if I had brought on that onslaught.  I thought, what did I do?  How did I hurt him?  Maybe I should apologize to him?   I wanted him to be nice to me again.  I wanted the unblemished possiblity of love back.  Then somewhere a voice screamed at me: abused wives tend to take the blame too!  I snapped out of it and realized that the problem was not mine.

Bronxman was busy later that night. The next night he talked to me as if nothing had happened. The following night he began his “all is well” conversation. I interrupted and told him that I would like to address that other conversation. He was reluctant. I pressed on and told him that the way he spoke to me and some of the things he said were hurtful. He responded as if by rote, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”  He then had to go but offered that I could call him tomorrow if I wanted to talk to him more about it.

I have not called. Nor has he.