What CAN I Have, Lord?

6 Nov

Operation Beautiful update.

I got on the scale. It was only a little worse than I thought it might be. I weighed one pound less than my “If I weigh more than X I’m going to kill myself and be done with it” number. But seeing that number–writing it down–has been an ongoing source of distress. Have I really been this emotionally muddled and sedated with food?

So this week I’ve had to consciously eat less. When I walked into a place I lunch at regularly it felt strange to tell myself “no” while I was there. As in, “No, you can’t have one of those big crusty rolls. No, you cannot have shrimp bisque. No cheesy pasta. No meatballs in gravy. No, not even the vegetables, which look like they were sauteed in some kind of oil. And definitely no chocolate eclair for later.” I was actually surprised to note the richness of the fare that I have been eating everyday. Didn’t I used to eat salads?

This led to the memory of me deciding one day this past spring, after RN and I parted ways, that my days of self-denial were over. That maybe I couldn’t have a man, but I certainly did not have to live without French pastries. Obviously, I am now aware of the flaw in my reasoning.

I face the scale again in the coming days. Let’s hope the news is better.

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