What Was All That Heartbreak About?

20 Oct

For a while now I have been dejected about several (relationship) endings in my life. Endings that followed each other in rapid succession. I have been sidelined by sorrow. Recently, though, instead of sorrow, I have found myself thanking God for one of these endings.

RN, you will recall, was a best-friend-type. Earlier this year I wondered if I had been overlooking him as a potential husband all the time that I’d known him. So we talked. And our friendship was doomed forever after. It’s taken me until now to realize that the ending with RN was God’s doing–not mine or RN’s–and that it was good.

Last fall, after a trip to Lake Placid where I met with the Lord, and particularly after reading the Girl’s Guide to Getting Married, I remember having the distinct impression that my relationship with RN was not good. He was too important a man in my life to not be The Man in my life. “But,” I hedged with the Lord, “I can’t let him go. He’s my friend. I like our friendship. I need his friendship. And he needs mine. I’ll just be careful.” How surprising was it to me, then, that by Spring of this year RN and I were done.

I was thanking God about the end of our relationship because somewhere along the way, between Fall and Spring, I changed. I got the courage to let go of my boyfriend-like friendship with RN. Somehow I was able to risk saying to him, “I need this to be a real relationship that’s moving forward, or I need for you to let me go.”

This change of mind and willingness to risk could only have come from God. Maybe all the endings that preceded the RN ending were about learning to be comforted by God; learning that He is reliable and that He is there for me even in the midst of hurt and rejection. Maybe the more that I felt safe with God, and secure in God’s love, the less I feared even the loss of RN’s love.

Thank you, Lord. Your perfect love is casting out all my fears.

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