How’s eharmony Going, You Ask?

21 Jun
The Nightmare

John Henry Fuseli, “The Nightmare”. Image via Wikipedia

If you had asked me last week how eharmony was going I would have said, “Great.” 

I was communicating through eharmony’s email feature with a few men that I liked.   Though I was somewhat uncertain about how long I should go back and forth emailing them, and I wondered that I didn’t have a whole lot of feedback from the rest of the “matches” that were forwarded to me daily, I was content with being able to converse online with my three long distance possibles.  I was in the game!

Then a couple of things happened.

First, I spoke to my old friend CB.  His opinion was that long distance relationships do not work. For a relationship to exist, he said, the couple must actually be together, spending quality time in each other’s presence.  His remarks caused me to think about taking my email conversations to the next level.  How would we reach the next level when the men I was communicating with online all lived between 5 and 15 hours away by car?

The next thing that happened was that I had an impromptu dinner meeting with two friends.  One of whom joined eharmony right around the same time as I.  She has progressed to the meet-in-person stage, I was surprised to learn.  Here I was, so pleased with myself for talking to three men, and it turns out that someone else, similarly situated, has already had phone conversations with men and is now meeting them in person.  

She asked:

“Do you initiate contact with any of your matches?”   My answer was no.  After all, shouldn’t they contact me first?

“Do you tell them the matches that you are communicating with that you would like for them to give you a call sometime?”  My answer was no.  Shouldn’t they take the lead in seeking  to talk to me on the phone?

“Have you set your preferences to reflect that you prefer local matches and not long distance matches?”  My answer was no.  The website says that you broaden your options with less restrictive preferences.

Bythe end of the dinner I felt like my friend was maximizing the eharmony vehicle, while I was only giving token effort to meeting men through eharmony.   No, not token effort, exactly.  It’s as if I was approaching eharmony the same way that I approached my dating life, with the same passivity, built-in distance, and all.  It occurred to me that different results in my relationships are only going to be achieved by me practicing different behaviors.  Signing up for eharmony is not enough.  I have to go about socializing in a whole different way.  Well.  After I got over the dejection of realizing that contrary to what I’d been telling myself,  I am not yet moving forward in the relationship compartment of my life, I took my friend’s advice.  I changed my settings to a preference for local matches,  I initiated contact with five or six matches that I thought seemed interesting and not too far away, and I also communicated via email with my open matches that I would like to talk by phone. 

The night that I made the changes I had a nightmare. 

The day after I made the changes I went to a church service at my married-guy-friend, EB’s, church.  I looked good.  Very cute shoes.  At the service I was introduced to EB’s friend Eric, a tall, handsome, single, minister.  Eric seemed interested, but I resisted his attentions.

That night I had another nightmare.

I guess nobody ever said that change was easy.

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4 Responses to “How’s eharmony Going, You Ask?”

  1. Ken June 23, 2009 at 10:25 am #

    Hi. I am an EH success story, and I look around the blogosphere to see what other people are saying about the service. That’s how I came across this.

    EH is a great tool for some people. It isn’t for everyone. It is a better way of meeting strangers than a street corner or a bar.

    My advice: If a match has a red flag for you, or something you can’t happily live with every day for the rest of your life, close that match. Otherwise, communicate with as many as you can, and find out as much about them as you can.

    I e-mailed long enough to clear up any unanswered questions I thought of based on their guided communication answers… otherwise, e-mailing was to set up a face-to-face meeting, or to set up a phone call… to set up a face-to-face meeting.

    I set a 60-mile limit. That’s easy for me as I live in a major metropolitan area. Long distance relationships, unless we’re talking an established committed couple who temporarily have to be apart (deployment, job assignment, etc.), do not work. Online and phone communications do not replace face-to-face time.

    Don’t compare yourself to how fast or slow someone else is going. Everyone is different. Some people have more time to spend online every day than others.

    “After all, shouldn’t they contact me first?”

    Only if you are living in your father or brother’s house and your father or brother is your gatekeeper and you are financially dependent on him. If you are “liberated”, then no, you shouldn’t wait. Not unless you insist on having the refusal power all to yourself. In which case, you are letting other women snatch these guys up first.

    Do tell them to call. Or strongly hint that you find hearing someone’s voice helpful in learning about them.

    “The website says that you broaden your options with less restrictive preferences.”

    They want more people matched. It is good for their numbers. But you should do what is best for you. Looking for a husband is one of the few things in your life where you should be very selfish and do what is best FOR YOU. You want some who is right FOR YOU and will meet YOUR needs. That way, you can focus on meeting HIS needs and know that your needs will be met.

    “Signing up for eharmony is not enough. I have to go about socializing in a whole different way.”

    Yes.

    Do you REALLY want to find someone? That might seam like a silly question, but I had to ask myself after I realized I was deliberately picking women I could not marry (before EH). Being single has upsides, including much freedom. Do you want to give that up to gain something else? If you really, truly do, then you have the power to make it more likely, because God has given us certain things we can use.

    I hope you find what you need.

  2. Janet June 25, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

    I surfed by via a comment you made on a friends blog. I just wanted to encourage you:) I have no idea how old you are, but I felt terminally single for a long time~finally married when I was 35, had our last of 3 children at 42. I HIGHLY recommend waiting for the right man. Look fervently, but don’t jump! I got very solid advice from wise independent parents~to DO all the things I dreamed about by myself, so I did. Traveled to Europe, moved to L.A, bought a horse~bought a Miata (when they FIRST came out) all those things I thought I wanted. It was expensive & I had to work hard saving the money for each of those things, but I DID IT. I had a BLAST being single & was the envy of all my friends. What I ended up doing was sewing my wild oats while I had no responsibility. I think that’s what really got me ready for marriage. I’ve been married now almost 16 years and can honestly say time was/is my friend.
    God really DOES have your desires in His plan, He promised & never breaks promises.
    I hope you have a blast using EH. I wish they’d had that around when I was single. I rarely had a date~that might have helped. Anyway, hang in there, live BIG, love BIG, and remember that time really is your friend:)
    PS: I married a minister who was a blind date~I highly recommend that too! All the good ones AREN’T taken . . .

    • stillsingle June 25, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

      Thanks for the encouragement Janet! I too believe that there are some good ones still available. And all I need is one of ’em. 🙂

      • Janet June 25, 2009 at 10:21 pm #

        You’re welcome:)
        BTW, VERY nice blog you have here. As I said, I’m not single but I’ll definitely be back just to read your writing. Nice job!

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