Last night, as I was ending a meal with a girlfriend at our favorite diner, an old friend stopped by. The friend was a man with whom I share a bit of a history. My girlfriend knew nothing of this when she invited him to join us. In explaining his and my history, this man said to my girlfriend, “We flirted with dating one another.” True. Also true: At the same time, unbeknownst to me, he was already dating a friend of mine. Ultimately, all was revealed and, by the grace of God, I remained friends with both this man and with my friend whom he was seeing while flirting with me. (Got it?) Each of them moved on from my church, and the woman he was seeing became one of my closest friends. All this happened years ago.
Fast forward to the present. This man is now back at my church. I see him regularly and hold him at arm’s length whenever our paths cross. I tnhe feel bad about my frostiness and resolve to be nice, to greet him warmly, the next time that I see him. But I never seem to do it. And here is the real reason why: I am physically attracted to him. Like, a lot. He is tall and attractive and if I had a “type” it would look like him. This is a problem. Not just because of my friend, his ex, but because he still has the same personality quirks that made things difficult when I knew him years ago. He name is etched in stone on my “definitely not possible” list. Yet I’m still attracted to him physically.
This attraction is frightening for me. It reminds me of the last time I was physically attracted to someone who was “definitely not possible”, who was married. I’m reminded of how I couldn’t seem to resist him, despite his not-possibleness. We became very close emotionally (though not physically, thank God). I ended up being in a bad situation with his wife, being hurt terribly, and of having my integrity compromised. The shadow of this ill-fated attraction still looms large over my life. And this explains why my current attraction to a “definitely not possible” man has me behaving badly. I do not trust this “definitely not possible” man, and more importantly, I do not trust myself where he is concerned.
Last night it became clear that the way that I was responding to this man was hurtful to him. He thinks it must be bad blood from all those years ago. He apologized at length. He hoped I could forgive him. He wants us to turn a new page in our friendship. He was sincere and charming with a hint of flirtation. I said, I am not angry with you. There is no need for you to apologize. I am really sorry that I have been so cold to you. My attitude towards you is really not about you personally. It is about me and my baggage where men are concerned. He prays a beautiful prayer before leaving my girlfriend and me.
I want to learn from my past. I do not want to be held hostage to it. How many other men I have put-off because of my fears and unresolved guilt?
